Incarceration: parent
Q: My husband and I divorced two years ago. He maintained contact with our 12 year old son and 8 year old daughter, taking advantage of all his visitations. He has been a good father to the children all their lives. Six months ago, he was sent to prison for an illegal business deal. Since then, our son won't have any part of him. He won't answer his letters, talk to him on the phone or visit him. He has told people that his dad is dead. When I have tried to talk to him about it, he gets angry and calls his dad a "no-good crook". I have noticed a change in his attitude toward other things like school and church activities. He doesn't want to play any sports and just spends time in his room with his Play Station and Game Boy. His grades are dropping to a high-C level from almost straight A's. I don't know what to do to snap him out of it. My daughter seems to be fine so far, but I am seeing a slight change in her attitude too. I am not sure if this is because of her brother's attitude or the situation with her father. What do you suggest?
A: Your son sounds intelligent with positive relationships and accomplishments. You and his father should be very pleased about this. Your son is having a very normal reaction for someone his age, gender, and considering the close relationship he has had with his father. He is clearly showing by his actions what he may not be able to express in words; the hurt, disappointment, and sadness that his father can no longer be a part of his life in the way he'd grown to count on; the possible embarrassment and anxiety about what his friends think; the typical teen age thinking that actions are either right or wrong, with no room for mistakes; and feeling the natural shift from dependency on parents to independence. This incident may have launched him into a conflicting behavior. I know this is very troubling for you, and you are probably on-target that his recent behavior may be influencing his sister's attitudes. But what your son needs the most is support, rather than criticism. Perhaps a school counselor or therapist can help him through this very difficult period. Children his age do not easily verbalize their feelings. Instead he is trying to distract from his feelings by isolating himself from people who remind him of his pain, like you and his sister. Try to find family activities that do not require much investment of time or energy but will get him more involved. He is showing the impact of this change in his world at the time it is happening. This is a good sign that the healing experience will allow him to broaden his self-understanding and produce newer, stronger ties with his family. You may acknowledge his feelings towards his father and also help him talk about the good things that his father has done with him and for him. Whatever his father did that sent him to prison, it was an act that occurred when his father was fulfilling the role of a businessman and not as a father. Your son may have difficulty understanding or accepting the distinction initially, but with some professional help, he may be able to make amends with his father.
Back to Today's Family
