choosing friends

Q: I don't like my 14-year old son's friends. They seem like a bad influence, and I want to forbid him from seeing them anymore. What should I do?

A: Take some time to get to know your son's friends before disapproving of them. Typically, adolescents are socially awkward upon first meeting an adult, which can contribute to making an unfavorable impression. What makes them seem like a bad influence? Is it the clothes they wear or the music they listen to? Teens go through phases where they try different styles and peer groups. They move toward independence in preparation for living life on their own after leaving home. Making friends of their own choosing, not yours, is one way they do this. These friends may fade as your son's interests shift. Yet, there are some cues that help indicate whether these friends are indeed a bad influence. Be aware of whether your son has been getting into trouble with the authorities, has begun using drugs, has been truant from school or has been unable to account for missing money - all while "hanging out" with these certain friends. If at this point you truly believe that his friends are a bad influence, then it is your responsibility to set firm limits. It is ok to tell your son that he cannot bring these friends to your house, nor can he go to their homes, or "hang out" with them elsewhere. You may consider contacting his friends' parents and explain to them that your son has been asked not to go over to their home and that you would appreciate it if they would notify you if he does. Be prepared to discuss what your expectations for your son are and what the consequences are if he does not follow them. Make sure that you follow up with the consequences that you set up.

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